I'm A Joker, I'm an(ex) Smoker.....

Ordinangst is very lucky to be going to a theological college that takes preaching training very seriously. Ordinangst is learning lots and lots about preaching – when he arrived at the college with his trunk and tuckbox he thought (quietly) he was pretty good at it already – but now he realises how wrong he was. Ordinangst has been taught to reveal his own inadequacy and weakness to allow God to speak through him to the congregation. All a bit of a revelation to this over-achieving Ordinand who had seen preaching as, well, a bit of a lecture from an “expert” (Ordinangst is blushing to his (diminishing) roots to admit this, dear reader.)

One thing that Ordinangst has been taught is to use humour (wisely) in sermons. Although people like Spurgeon could famously hold a congregation’s attention for hours and hours without a single joke this is clearly unusual. Ordinangst has seen lots of other people try this over the years and it never works. Humour should be used – first because God himself clearly has a sense of humour (if you ever got to see Ordinangst’s ears you would know this to be true) and it is a legitimate and valid way to express God’s loving relationship to us through laughter. Second, because humour breaks the tension nicely, and stops sermons feeling like missile throwing competitions. Third, because, according to one very brainy teacher, the average person’s concentration span is around five minutes – especially if they are sitting still. If you make the congregation laugh every five minutes – so the theory goes – they shift around in their seats, more blood is pumped to their brains and they are primed to listen to another five minutes of stellar sermonising. Before they need another joke again. And so on.

If this is the case, it crosses Ordinangst’s mind that there must be a great wealth of sermon jokes out there that we (my humble and growing network) could be sharing with one another. Sort of like an on-line church-fete-bring-and-buy-sale-for-jokes. So, with much fanfare, Ordinangst is launching this today – click here to post a joke, or to browse other peoples’ if the well of your own humour is running dry. Ordinangst will help harvesting and posting other people’s jokes from sermons which will help him to concentrate in the future. And...voila...by the time he's ordained, Ordinangst should have enough new material to last him his whole ministry!

My Gift is my Song Yeah...this one's for you.........

Ordinangst is learning lots and lots about worship.  Thankfully he took the advice of a wise old priest who told him that his muscular charismatic happy-clappy upbringing was not all there is to worship and that he should broaden his horizons beyond @mattredman and @Darlene wassername.  Bravely, Ordinangst has been sneaking off to all manner of churches, some of which would definitely make @nickygumbel wince.  It is a guilty pleasure – a bit like having a sneaky beer in Lent (Ordinangst is very proud that he has resisted doing this so far).  Ordinangst has started singing hymns again (along with crossing himself a lot, praying for the dead and the Pope and beating his breast during confession) and has been surprised and delighted to find that God speaks to him amidst the incense just as much as he does during the fifth chorus of “your love is amazing”. 

Here is a conundrum that is troubling Ordinangst.  The Church of England has the most extraordinary body of hymns that have lasted for hundreds of years.  There are some real pingers that remain fresh and current and and inspirational.  So my question is this.  Which, if any, of the modern worship songs will last as long as that?

Ordinangst absolutely loves modern worship.  His Ipod is chokka with it.   But it is strange to him that songs that he loves one month become frankly rather boring and then completely grating as the weeks roll on.  Why is this?  Could it be we sing too few songs too frequently and repeat them too much when we sing them ?  It strikes Ordinangst that some worship leaders can stretch out a current “hit” for twenty minutes – not bad going when said “hit” sometimes only contains fifteen words. Or maybe modern worship songs are too simple (G major e minor C major D major…repeat till lunchtime) Blessed be your name (A major E major f#minor D major) is wonderful, but it sure ain’t the Allegri Miserere… 

Or perhaps we treat modern worship as we treat pop songs. @timhughes’ new album is in the top fifty on Itunes having been released this week.  Ordinangst has met Tim and he is a top guy and extremely talented and Ordinangst is very excited that with people like him around the message of Christianity may well break into the mainstream through the vehicle of his music.  But do we treat songs from people like Tim differently because they are on albums with videos and our first hearing of his songs is likely to be in the outside world, not in church?  Does that change our attitudes to the music and what it is there to do?  Ordinangst wonders if maybe it is more about generating an emotional response from the congregation and less about the content and the subject.  Do we now provide worship that the congregation likes (“ooh, I like this one, I think I’ll stand up and sing it – once I have finished this tweet!”) and meets the singer in their own needs rather than focusing on God in all his majesty?

As with all things Anglican, Ordinangst concludes that everyone is probably right.  In an ideal world, Ordinangst’s church would have a bit of everything – Tim Hughes up front for a “set” and then the choir singing the Miserere antiphonally (wooh - let's hear it for Greek lessons) in Latin from the two galleries above the congregation.  Now that would be cool……

If you’re Gonna Leave, Take Good Care

It is odd for Ordinangst to be called to a Church that is, if the media is to be believed, tearing itself apart as people leave the CofE in droves to join the Ordinariat.  While it is clear to a man of as little brain as Ordinangst that not very many are going really.   Given the rate that attendance numbers are plummeting anyway, what’s a couple of hundred here and there?  The Ordinariate is a statistical insignificance to a much deeper and more worrying problem.

What grieves Ordinangst  is that our soon-to-be-Roman-Catholic brethren are making such a song and dance about leaving.  Where’s the grace in putting on press conferences to announce your decision to leave a Church that is, for all its manifold imperfections is still, at its heart, a community that is trying to express Jesus’ love to the outside world?  Ordinangst has never seen much evidence of Jesus getting flouncy and huffy (OK the money-lenders incident was a tad theatrical I grant you).  Can’t we just wish each other well, give ‘em a good send off and, er, move on to the real task in hand which is to bring more people into the Church – both to replace those lost in the Ordinariat and then some.  We have to get over this paralysis that is stopping the Church from looking outwards with a message of hope and salvation, and we have to do it fast if we are going to have a church left.  Selfishly, Ordinangst would quite like a job at the end of all this.

But what grieves Ordinangst also is the fact that these people are clearly so hurt by the way they have been treated in recent years.   Talk to an Anglo-Catholic (and Ordinangst has done a bit of this recently) and you will hear stories of feeling trampled on and ridden rough-shod over by the newly empowered evangelical cavalry.  Why has the Universal Church has not had the width (or is it the grace) to accommodate everybody?  Did all sides of the debate really approach these issues in a spirit of love? Ordinangst wonders if it has all got a little bit vicious.  Jesus may not have been flouncy but he wasn’t harsh either.      

Brothers in Arms

Ordinangst has spent the weekend at Alton Abbey in Hampshire – an Anglican Benedictine priory.  He learned a lot by spending time with the six monks and two novices who make up this small but perfectly formed community.  It is an extraordinary privilege to be able to take all the noise out of one’s life for 48 hours.  No phones, no telly, no computer, no twitter, no blogging, no facebook, no email, no newspapers, no reading, no pens no paper.  One text message allowed per day to check that the long suffering Mrs Ordinangst and Granny Ordinangst were coping with the Ordinangst-ettes.  Add to that a very healthy dose of silence – Grand silence from nine at night till nine in the morning, and all meals (except Sunday lunch which I missed) in silence too.  Put in some structure around daily offices, and take up the offer for a two hour session of spiritual direction from a man who has lived in the community for more than 25 years and pulls no punches and you have a pretty potent platform (ah! a bit of alliteration on a Monday) for listening to God.

Ordinangst recognises that one man’s spiritual direction is another person’s tedium so he is not proposing to unburden to the blogosphere.  (Collective sigh of relief from much valued dear readers….).  Suffice it to say that on a personal level it was extremely profound and has quite possibly changed the entire direction of his ministry as it unfolds.  But he did learn one or two things along the way that are fun / may be of interest:

1.       The Psalms (which are used by the monks extensively in both spoken and sung worship) are incredibly powerful and beautiful.  Ordinangst is mortified that in all his muscular Happy Clappy upbringing he had forgotten his childhood as a choirboy singing Psalms.  It is a tragedy that Psalms are slipping out of the mainstream. 

2.       Monks do everything at about 75% of the speed of the rest of us – including liturgy.  It is amazing how bible readings spoke to Ordinangst when they are read slowly and passively almost in a monotone.  No theatre, just words.  The Gospel speaks powerfully when it speaks for itself.

3.       Eating is silence is the weirdest experience…it completely changes one’s attitude to the food on the plate.   I can remember every single thing I ate.  The non-verbal communication around the table is also quite sophisticated.  Weirdly, Ordinangst really enjoyed it – almost as much as he enjoys talking.  He also enjoyed the farting noise made by the squirty ketchup bottles – huge mirth around the (silent) table.

4.       Confession is a powerful and moving experience.  I couldn’t recommend it more highly to my non-catholic (small “c”) brethren.

5.       Welcoming is a behavioural rather than purely a verbal concept.  Ordinangst felt an extraordinary sense of welcome from the community from the moment he arrived, stumbling into a dark chapel in the middle of silent prayer.  He didn’t exchange more than a few words to most of the community during his stay but felt the community wanted him to be there. That’s God in action.

I Do(n't) Want to Talk About It

The advertising industry has recently begun to recognise that human endorsement is more powerful than anything that we read or hear or watch.  This is why twitter is so powerful - we automatically "trust" content if it is pushed at us by someone we know, or at least feel we know. Rumour has it that ad agencies are now taking this further and are starting to hire good looking out-of-work actors to go in pairs to public places (the London Underground is a prime example) and  paying them to discuss, on packed tube trains, how much they love one product….”I tried that new ** hair product last night – it is fantastic” “Yes, I noticed how much fuller and shinier your hair was looking today” “And have you heard that new song by Graham Kendrick – it is fantastic”  (etc…ad infinitum on the Circle line).  

The idea behind it is not just to persuade fellow passengers to buy products.  People who hear the actors also become endorsers too ….received wisdom becomes accepted wisdom which becomes re-communicated wisdom......and a viral campaign is born.

Admen (sorry, Adpeople) are pretty sophisticated in knowing what sells products. Given this, it strikes me that the Church’s best response to the humanist bus campaign (snore)  http://www.humanism.org.uk/bus-campaign is not to respond in kind by launching our own set of adverts.  Might Ordinand humbly suggest (and he knows a bit about marketing products) that the best thing we could do as a Church is to motivate our congregations to discuss their faith openly in public – with each other .  We have to get over our embarrassment and actually talk naturally about our faith.    This is much more powerful than any billboard proclaiming the good news will ever be, and I reckon it will lead to follow up conversations with other people.  A viral campaign of our own......how cool would that be?

As a starting point, even reading a bible in public, and not saying a word to any fellow passengers would be a good step forward – let’s stand up and be counted - who knows what conversations might follow?

Wap Bap a Loo Bap

As those of you who follow me on Twitter have probably worked out I am a fairly upbeat kind of Ordinand – sorry about the inflammatory text about International Men’s Day, and for revealing that hearing “Shine Jesus Shine” is harder for me to endure than root canal surgery -  and thanks for your robust replies on both.  Ordinangst loves the banter you see…..

This is my first post that tries to offer a serious perspective on training for ministry in the Church of England and I thought a good place to start might be the BAP (Bishop's advisory panel - effectively the final selection process that "passes" you to become an Ordinand). 

As always, dear reader (Ordinangst loves that – so Jane Austen!) my aim is to be constructive rather than whingey.  If there is one thing that Ordinangst can’t bear (apart from “Shine Jesus Shine”, oh, and while we’re at it “O Lord My God, When I in Awesome Wonder” agh agh) it is whingers.  Especially in Churches.  Holy whingers are an appalling thing – you can’t evangelise people into a Church you whinge about.

Anyway.  In a non-whingey kind of way, Ordinand has to say that his BAP was the most depressing two days of his life.  The best piece of advice was given to me by a vicar friend in preparation for it was: "in order to get through the panel it is important not to try and evangelise anyone there, and don't mention Jesus in any conversation you have."  Hmm. 

Here is what my BAP was like....Place a bunch of twenty people in a nissen hut in freezing Ely who all believe in one way or another that they have been called to the ministry.  Ensure that for every minute of the process they feel like they are in the big brother house.  Ensure that every meal feels like a trial where candidates are being marked on their ability to pass the water and serve vegetables in a gracious way.  Ensure there is no independent chaplaincy support for candidates during the process. Discourage discussion or friendships between candidates.  Ensure that you the panellist make instant decisions on candidates on the basis of all the old prejudices - (age, sex, class, race) on what "flavour" of Anglican the candidate is.  Then make sure they are as unwelcoming as possible to "the other side" - hey, this is the universal church after all.  Make the interviews themselves unenthusiastic on the basis that it would be AWFUL if we celebrated a calling...that would be far too Catholic.  Respond to candidates' enthusiasm about ministry with patronising homilies about the Church needing ministers to work on deprived estates in the North of England and nowhere else. Really?   And send 'em home wondering if they still want to do it.

Dear readers Ordinangst totally advocates tough selection for what is clearly going to be a tough job.  But does it really have to be that gloomy?

You say Goodbye, and I say Hello.....

I have been to two branded national institutions today - first the Church of England and second the Apple Store (yes, I know it's Sunday but this was an emergency as my Iphone is extremely unwell and needed emergency surgery).  Two very differerent places I think you'll agree, but it did get me wondering how come one place was mobbed with people of all ages and backgrounds drooling over the product that was being the sold and the other was, well, Church.

One thing that it is obvious to me that we should learn from the best in retail is how to welcome the customer properly.  It drives me mad when I visit Churches and am handed a service sheet by someone who doesn't make eye contact, doesn't say hello, is looking over my shoulder at the next punter (who they have probably known for years!). 

If we want to be enthusiastic in how we sell the Gospel to target customers we should start as we mean to carry on - at the front door. The role of welcomer, or sidesperson, or whatever you want to call it is incredibly important.  Just as they are in the Apple store, welcomers should be trained, and they should be senior, and they should have the people skills necessary to fulfil their job descriptions.  I actually think that Vicars should be at the door to welcome people at the start of the service - surely this is more important than shaking hands with the punters after they are leaving - by then it is too late to make the sale.

Ordinangst is frankly stunned that he now has followers on twitter (thank you @thechurchmouse and @twurchofengland) and even received some comments back on his first blog.  Very gratifying.  I am conscious that this next blog represents something of a hand grenade, for which I apologise.  My aim is not to offend anyone but I do think the Church is avoiding really talking about this at the moment:  So here goes….Ordinangst’s take on Women and Gay bishops (I am neither of the first two, and very much doubt I will end up being the third….)

 Speaking from a secular point of view the treatment of both women and gay people by the Church as an employer is outrageous.  In no other career would a gay person or a woman tolerate a situation where they are precluded from getting the “top job” on the grounds of their gender or their sexuality.  I am amazed by the grace shown by both groups in the church, and surprised that they haven’t pushed to have this issue to be examined by the European Court of Human Rights.

This discrimination goes so fundamentally against the accepted behaviours of our society that, whether we like it or not, the Church is being positioned as judgemental and hopelessly “behind the times” by the media (the latter is not necessarily a bad thing, but it is a fact).  This is not helping us in what should be our main mission – encouraging the un-churched back into church.  It is also allowing African members of the Anglican church to victimise gay people which (whatever your views on homosexuality) clearly must not be tolerated.  Jesus commanded us to love one another after all………

I am  not naïve enough to think that the issues surrounding women and gay bishops are the same and I know they shouldn’t be linked but it does strike me that there are two areas of  commonality in the debate:

a.       Accepting both requires us to re-examine how we interpret scripture.  It seems odd to Ordinangst that some people in the church are happy to allow women priests and ignore Paul’s views on the subject, but are happy to use Paul’s views on homosexuality to be against homosexual priests (the Evanglicals) or do the opposite (Anglo Catholics).  This is clearly bonkers.  We either are guided by scripture on both subjects (and while we are at it let’s throw in divorce, which is unless I am mistaken the only one of the three that Jesus spoke about), or we aren’t.  Dear Church I would like some guidance on this please.  I don’t know where I stand on either issue and my sense is it certainly isn't being addressed (actively avoided) at theological colleges. 

b.      Is Ordinangst silly to think the horse has already bolted on both issues?  As a Church we have accepted both women and gay people into the priesthood.  Given this, Ordinangst thinks it is a nonsense (both legally and spiritually) to stop people from these groups becoming bishops.  Are we really saying that we demand a different standard of moral behaviour or a different gender from a bishop than we do from an Archdeacon?  Really?

Rabbit in the Headlights

It's odd, starting to blog, pretty sure in the knowledge that no-one is likely to read it.  So, allow me to introduce myself dear non-reader.  I am an ordinand in the Church of England. For those of you who don't have a clue what that means, I am training to be a vicar.  I am going to keep my identity secret - not because I have a thing about Zorro but because, like one of the best church bloggers around - the Church Mouse - I think it allows me more scope to say what I think rather than say what I think the Church wants me to think, if that makes sense.  Please be assured I  have no axe to grind, and no agenda beyond thinking that it might be useful for the Church to have a "worm's eye view" of itself, from someone who is totally committed to joining it, but is struggling to navigate through it.

I am really really excited about joining the Church.  I will blog about my calling further down the line, but suffice it to say that I am absolutely convinced that God wants me to be ordained.  But the truth is I still have no idea what I am joining.  I meet extraordinary and wonderful vicars and lay people, from every branch of the Church, all the time but no-one seems to be able to get on with each other.  Here's a thought - perhaps homosexual bishops and Women bishops (more in my next on both) aren't the main issue.  Perhaps the main issue is the fact that through many years of growling at each other, different branches of the Church are unwilling or unable to get on.  In a country where Christianity is so obviously under attack from overt secularism and Church attendance (particularly by the young) is plummeting, if we can't be nice to each other, what hope is there?    I am as happy in an Anglo Catholic mass as I am at a Charismatic worship service.  I love liturgy as much as I love modern worship songs.  I believe the Eucharist is central to a congregation's life.  Most importantly I respect other people's right to worship God in any way they feel helps them to connect to him.....and that is why I belong to the Universal Church.